The other day as I meditated I found myself wiping tears from my face.
Every morning my Daily Practice consists of spritzing myself with sage, then rose water and adding a little “angel midst to my studio space”. I then pull my cards for the day and meditate. Afterwards, I journal.
I wasn’t feeling emotional when I sat down. I had started a cleanse about a week before and was feeling good. (The cleanse isn’t one of those crazy ones where you only drink cayenne water…its all about eating whole foods and good nutrition.)
My cards for the morning:
There’s nothing to worry about.
Giving and Receiving.
Focus on Service.
Nothing that would predict the flood of tears that came from deep in my soul.
For the past few days I had been working on a painting and things have felt tight.
Too perfect. Then too silly. Too bright..and then way out of balance. Too serious.
Too much WRONG. Too much NOT ME. It had me frazzled for sure. I thought I knew what this painting wanted to be.
Instead its a lesson…a bright, messy-mess of a lesson. Mixed up colors and shapes and lines that speak directly to how I am feeling inside.
My morning meditation explained it all.
I am fighting who I am.
Its almost as if I am trying to dull my own light to fit some “successful artist” mold. Guess what? There isn’t one.
I thought I knew who I was..both on and off the canvas, but I am wrong.
I watch and read about other artists who have seemed (in my mind) to have “made it”…and I am inspired. Not by their technique, although that is always fun to see, but by their journey.
I try to assimilate what I am learning about THEM into my own being; as my own story It falls flat.
I want to know the WHY? they create. What motivates them? How they sell their work. How they show up every day? What they do when their own work no longer suits them.
It only creates more confusion.
That morning in meditation I asked The Universe for help.
“HELP ME UNDERSTAND WHO I AM HERE TO BE”
The good and the bad about mediation is that sometimes you can’t remember exactly what you hear…but you can remember the intention behind the words. The basic thought. The feelings.
This is what I heard that morning…..
You are a being filled with JOY, and you have been stifling that JOY on the outside, as well as the inside.
You look like you are in flow..but there is so much more vibrancy and magic to offer the world.
You have been hiding it away…emotionally and physically. Afraid. Fearful. Of how it will be received. You long for freedom.
More exploration. More magical moments. More joy.
Less worry. Less comparison. Less self criticism.
More and Less.
A time of NOURISHIMENT is at hand.
Nourishing your CREATIVE SOUL. Nourishing the CURIOUSITY that lives within you.
Nourishing the JOY IMPULSES you have quieted.
I’ve visited this place before. This is how my whole world shifted 3 years ago. The whole reason Hello beautiful soul came into being.
Many will call it a “Dark Night of the Soul”. I call it a time of big, old LIFE QUESTIONS. Of FEARS. Of WORRIES. Of RE-LEARNING WHO YOU ARE HERE TO BE.
Why would anyone DO this to themselves?
It is not done TO YOU…It is done FOR YOU.
To help you GROW. Connect DEEPER.
My life is filled with abundance…emotionally, materially, physically…and I am filled with gratitude for it all everyday. Yet, here I am…sitting in the dark morning crying, knowing that the Universe is telling me what I need to hear.
I know for sure…
I am BLESSED. I am a CREATIVE BEING. I am HERE to SERVE WOMEN and HELP THEM HEAL.
In order to do that? I need to let go of the past.
I need to feel the freedom of beginning again.
Starting today, everything in my shop is on sale…every original painting and print is 40% off. There are limited quantities and some items have already sold out.
I hope you find something that fills your soul with JOY!